


In My Mind Not On My Body

by JustSmileStuffHappens (ksz13)



Series: Eddie Diaz Week 2020 [4]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Anal, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkwardness, Bad Jokes, Blow Jobs, Catholic Guilt, Cock Tease, Cockblocking, Dick Jokes, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, Drinking & Talking, Edgeplay, Exploration, Fantasizing, Fingerfucking, Growth, Guilt, Guilty Pleasures, Hand Jobs, Hiding, Implied Sexual Content, Jokes, Kink Exploration, Lost Love, Love, M/M, Masturbation, Masturbation Interruptus, Masturbation in Bathroom, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Multiple Orgasms, Mutual Pining, Orgasm, Orgasm Control, Orgasm Delay, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Orgasm Denial, Other, Past Relationship(s), Personal Growth, Pining, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Public Masturbation, Questioning, Questions, Religious Guilt, Secrets, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Indulgent, Self-Love, Self-Reflection, Self-Worth Issues, Sex, Sex Education, Sex Talk, Sexual Content, Sexual Experimentation, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, Shame, Single Parents, Storytelling, Talking, Teasing, Touch-Starved, Touching, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Wishful Thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:40:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24817009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksz13/pseuds/JustSmileStuffHappens
Summary: Eddie Diaz Week 2020 : Day 4 - Between the SheetsA Journey of Self Discovery Can Begin With a Single Hand
Relationships: Eddie Diaz/Shannon Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Eddie Diaz Week 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1789354
Comments: 6
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what happened but I'm gonna do it this way. Chapter 2 is optional. It's originally intended as just a one shot but I feel like it could be better to some people without it yet i like it so it's not getting deleted

**_In My Mind But Not On My Body_ **

Eddie is no stranger to pleasuring himself. Even if towards the end of high school he got around a bit and didn't need his hand much.

Shannon had been his first love, yes, but not his first and only relationship. It was the first to progress so far and fast though.

She was the only one with whom sex had felt both meaningful and exciting with actually. They hadn't been keeping up much with protection though and thus Christopher was born.

That isn't to say that they stopped having sex, to the contrary they continued while she was pregnant both towards the beginning and shortly before he'd left only to return just before Christopher came into the world.

Those days are long past though. Now Eddie lay in bed on one of the few afternoons he had the house to himself.

Sometimes it just felt like an itch to scratch, an urge to indulge in a certain craving. Tonight was such a night as that.

He could use his phone or laptop if he was in the mood for a little visual and auditory stimulation to get him going. But tonight he didn't want to.

The door was locked.

His phone was on 'do not disturb' with his voicemail ready.

The lights were off aside from a single lamp beside his bed.

Eddie teased his way siding his hand down his own body trailing along his middle towards the ultimate goal. He took his time.

The lube he hid was well in reach and tissues were nearby at the ready for him afterwards.

It felt a little wrong at times still. A stray thought at the back of his mind leftover there from his time going to church when he was much younger. Sex was wrong. But that was a lie. It didn't hurt anyone to have consensual sex between two or more people. Masturbation was healthy, natural, good. If you wanted it that is. And he did.

Eddie slowly awakened his dick that was half hard.

He enjoyed letting his mind wander to his past fantasies of what he had done those nights when he didn't have a partner. To how he liked being touched. Soft ghostly scrapes that led to firm holds of possessive want.

Absently the hands that were stroking him took on a different yet familiar form in his mind.

The hushed whispers were more harsh and hot. His memories molding together as he worked himself up.

Eddie was already on his second pump of lube and going.

He might not last long right now but he had more time. 

He held off on it using what self control he had to hold himself. His breath came out as gasps.

And wasn't it eye opening when a certain name passed his lips. 

Eddie held the back of his wrist against his eyes. 

What was he doing?

Masturbation was good. It was healthy. Normal. People did it.

But adding in the thought of his best friend could end badly. 

It wasn't even that he was in denial of his own feelings. He'd had the stray thought before back in high school and in the army, of other men being attractive. Of Eddie wondering, if even just a kiss was too much then.

He had always been faithful though. Eddie meant it when they'd gotten married. Which brought him back to now.

Shannon was gone, and wasn't that just a great thought to have while trying to touch himself. He'd lost her again, Christopher lost her. 

Eddie took a breath. He knew what he was doing. It was 50/50 he could calm down his mind before he started thinking worse.

'She's gone. I still love her. But I can love someone else. I can still do this.' Half of it was from what he'd gotten around to talking to Frank about the other was added by himself.

Eddie was allowed to live. 

He cleared his thoughts.

His cock had come back to being only at half mast now. And the term made Eddie throw his head back. Fuck.

Eddie started again. Focusing only on what he felt. He got more lube and began stroking once more.

'Eddie'

"Buck"

He slid his hand faster. 

From the moment he'd seen Buck he thought he was good looking. Cute. Handsome.

He had this cocky, stubborn animosity towards Eddie thinking he was some threat to whatever place he held on the team.

Eddie will admit it was both aggravating and intriguing. He was just looking for a place to belong, fit in a team like before. And once the first few shifts went by they finally clicked together, like pieces just made to match.

The first thing he noticed about Buck wasn't his tattoos or his birthmark, or his height or his eyes though. That first day with them he found his attention drawn to a voice.

And wasn't all the rest just an extra kick when he found that voice's origin though. 

Eddie kept going.

His birthmark was just unique, and all him. Nothing else to it.

And Buck had chosen to add his own marks to his skin along with it the same as Eddie had done.

Eddie will admit that the first time he saw Buck's birthmark he was more drawn towards Buck's own eyes instead. It was like a sign on a highway that drew your attention then led you to a rest stop because how could you not pause at the sight of those eyes.

He hadn't asked about it because he already sorta knew though. He's met Bobby before joining and been told a bit of the others. A picture was handed over from some gathering they'd had and it wasn't at work either but at someone's own place, a home.

And wasn't that what Eddie was longing for. A family. A real family. A home. People that would be there through thick and thin. Who would fight beside you towards a similar and singular goal. 

'That. I want that. Please. I'll do anything just for the chance' he'd said, in his head, all but out loud.

He'll tell you that the picture while having caught buck's face didn't do him justice though.

'I'd still take you' Gasp. 'Eddie'

Fuck. He was coming.

It was like the flood gates were open. The dam that was cracking from the strain of holding it all back, it was now free.

Lips. 

Soft.

Hands.

Warm.

Eyes.

Bright.

All of it.

Eddie came while breathing out Buck's name slowly.

He had it bad. Eddie was a goner. 

They'd never talked about it but Eddie got this feeling he wasn't quite sure about. Like at times maybe it wasn't all that one-sided as he'd thought. But then the moment would be gone and wouldn't return for a while.

It didn't help that he'd only seen Buck with women before, but the same could go for Eddie since he'd barely tried doing anything since Shannon now after he'd started to move on.

Maybe one day he'd gather up enough courage to ask Buck. Because just the thought of something more was a lot. The actual chance of it- that was frightening and enticing too.

He wiped himself and threw away the tissue. 

Eddie still had more time. It was just starting to feel great. Didn't feel as scary after the first time he did it. The world didn't end. No one busted down his door to tell him he's wrong and lock him away for it. 

A small part of him wished, wondered, about the possibility he might be on Buck's mind. 

Buck wasn't as quiet or ashamed of talking about touching himself as Eddie was. When Chim had teased him at work Buck had said he was well acquainted with himself and happy right now. 

Hen had said that was good for Buck but would they let them relax after a call in peace. 

Eddie avoided their eyes as Chimney asked him what he thought about it really.

Buck. The lovable, considerate, all around good person he was had asked Chimney what he was doing for Maddie's birthday quickly changing the subject. 

Hen had gone along with it as Chimney said it was between their go to karaoke as a group and then a later date of just the two of them on a nice night out.

So Eddie knows that Buck, who also wasn't in a relationship, currently took care of himself. Self love was good, nice. Just like Hen had said to them.

But what did Buck think about? What did he do? How often? Was he more adventurous in the ways that he pleasured himself?

Eddie had only entertained the idea of a cock or foreign object like a dildo or some plug once or twice before now. 

Well, he was freshly showered after a run and- no time like the present.

He bent his legs. And against his old learned shame he made his way down his body.

The lube was even more vital now with his new thought, new goal, new desire. He'd seen plenty of porn videos before with men being pegged and threesomes or just the occasional one of a guy pleasuring himself alone.

Eddie took a second to get his body on board with him. He'd never really done this before, or well, he'd experimented with it, but only a long time ago though.

It was up there with how he'd once exchanged blowjobs with another guy fresh out of high school. His experience wasn't anything to brag about but well he'd done it before at least.

So he jerked himself off while easing a finger in. What would Buck's fingers feel like?

Would Buck hold him down or enjoy Eddie doing it to him?

And didn't that make it hotter.

Eddie would win in a fight, hands down, but Buck, Buck could give him a run for his money at least. He knew he boxed and his physique spoke for itself really. 

They'd had an arm wrestling match before to prove it. Both drunk enough to accept the bet and laughing as they couldn't keep a straight face for a bit. Even as they'd both probably been holding back in the first match together, at least Eddie had. In the second he'd put all of his strength into it and then lost. 

He spotted Buck enough at the station to know what he lifted. It was necessary for them.

A second finger renewed with lube worked its way in.

Eddie knew enough that he'd probably need more practice to find just that right angle but it was still worth starting now.

He couldn't decide which was a better option. If he was fully going down that rabbit hole then Eddie was all in. Would those soft biteable lips feel better on his dick than Buck's ass that he couldn't help but stare at on occasion.

He was ready to go again. He'd feel guilty about it later. Buck was more than a body. Eddie wanted. He wanted Buck. The sweetest, strongest, smartest guy he knew, could ask for. 

Buck could make him laugh. He longed for their next touch whether it be just the slightest contact of their arms, their legs as they sat, a passing tap or held shoulder.

Fuck. He loved Buck. Sure, but did he love Buck? Could Buck ever love him back in the same way?

Eddie was a lot. But Buck didn't shy away even when Eddie was closed off, or stubborn, or voiced his opposition to things.

Buck stood his ground and still weathered the storm with him.

He came with the thought of Buck. Just Buck. Buck next to him. Buck kissing him. Buck, just ever present in his life. 

Because his thoughts on Buck were anything but a phase. Eddie couldn't see himself ever not wanting to be near Buck. And that was a scary thought.

But damned if he wouldn't bask in that warmth for as long as he could. He'd take anything of Buck that he could get. 

Eddie breathed heavy after coming for the second time alone in the privacy of his room.

Great. Now he was going to do this more often wasn't he? Buck would soon take prominence in Eddie's alone time again.

"Fuck" Eddie sighed.

He cleaned himself for a second time that late afternoon.

Eddie could use another shower.


	2. The Feelings Mutual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's Not Alone

**_The Feelings Mutual_ **

Buck opened Eddie's door with the mail in his mouth between his teeth and with bags of groceries in each of his hands.

He finally asked aloud for his best friend once he deposited his finds upon the kitchen table.

"Hey Eddie!" 

No reply.

He checked Christopher's room. 

Eddie's truck was there. So-

"Eddie? Chris?"

He asked while going further in.

Were they napping?

Buck gently opened the door to Eddie's room and heard the master shower going then stop. Oh!

No wonder he hadn't heard him.

Buck waited there at his door. He knew Eddie enough that he didn't come out of the shower without a towel by habit. He had a kid.

He looked down at his phone to see the list he'd made with Eddie's input. It was mostly ready or simple meals but better than just eating out constantly.

He couldn't find two things on there but like usual he'd gotten a few extra items that the boys liked and Eddie couldn't resist.

It was then that Buck looked up at something glinting in the light on Eddie's bed. 

Eddie walked in. 

Buck had seen him in a towel before. But not in this context. Alone. Just the two of them. 

They both looked at each other. Eddie had a look of confusion as Buck for once tried to school his expression though. Because how the hell could he let his closest friend know that he was checking him out just then.

This image is Eddie would be burned into buck's mind for a very long time because damn he looked good. 

"Buck?" 

"Hi Eds."

That's when Eddie noticed that he'd forgotten the bottle of lube on his bed atop his rumpled sheets. In his haste to just get undressed and cleaned up before putting it away and changing the sheets after his clothes. 

Buck had already put two and two together and was blushing a little by then.

"So. You came over." Eddie nodded. Like he hadn't just been caught post-masturbation. Not only that but by the person who said sexual thoughts were about too even.

"Yeah. I got some groceries. A little earlier than expected." Buck had to avoid both looking at Eddie's bed and his chest and towel wrapped just so around his lips leaving the only safe bet being staring straight ahead or looking Eddie in the eye.

"Thanks. I uh."

"No biggie. It's not- you don't- I'm gonna go, wait in the hall- maybe the kitchen. I'll start putting them up."

Buck felt so bad. He was making it more awkward than it was. Sure Eddie jerked off. It was no big deal really. But that would be all Buck could think about later. 

He didn't hear what Eddie said while he was already leaving. Buck avoided speedily walking, retreating, from Eddie's room.

'Wouldn't you like to be invited though? Offered to join? Catch a show. See him-' No. Buck told his mind to stop that. 'You know you're lying. Wanna offer a helping hand?'

Eddie was a friend. A close friend. His best friend.

'You want him closer alright. On or under you can't choose.'

Buck started putting up the stuff that needed refrigeration first.

Eddie came out in fresh clothes moments later but with his hair still damp as Buck was half way through.

"I'm sorry if I was interrupting anything. I was just trying to-"

"You didn't. I was already done. Which is why you came into that. I would have fixed it up but-" Eddie tilted his head.

"No. It's your place. I should have knocked and called your name louder. It's cool. We're both adults. And I'm all for self love. I mean I can't talk."

Buck dropped a pack of cheese and was thankful that it didn't burst causing a big mess.

"Thanks for the groceries. I was just- got busy. You're a lifesaver."

"No problem Eddie. Glad to help. What are friends for?" Buck smiled while putting away the last bag on his side of the table.

"You have plans? Or would you like to stay for a while?" Eddie asked him as he finished putting something into the pantry.

"Huh? Yeah. I can stay. If that's cool." Buck said too quickly.

"You're always welcome to stay or come over Buck." Eddie sighed. "Just might want to knock and wait a bit though so you don't see something you don't want to." He teased with a laugh.

Buck swallowed at that.

"I'll uh- keep that in mind. Watch anything new lately? I heard about this one show being cool and managed not to get spoiled on it." Buck told him as he grabbed a beer and handed one over to Eddie then moved to the couch.

The movie was a little boring in the beginning and didn't have much action to it. They ended up talking more than watching it.

"They both were hitting on me so hard. I felt bad for the people behind me in line." Buck told him about his experience with the cashiers at the store just then.

"I'd believe it." Eddie said then took a sip of his beer.

Buck's eyes followed the bottle to Eddie's lips.

"Ha. I let them down easy though."

"Oh. That might have sounded like- I mean look at you. We've seen people hit on you while we're on a call. You can't help it. It's not your fault Buck." He shrugged. 

Eddie would ask Buck out himself if he weren't a coward. If there wasn't so much to lose.

"I'm not the only one." Buck huffed out a soft laugh at that.

"Why don't you date?" Eddie asked. 

And if that wasn't opening up a whole can of worms in itself.

"I- haven't really felt like it. I mean- I'm good right now. If I met someone and felt something I'd try it but-" Buck shrugged. 

He couldn't say more without just coming out and saying it. No one else can compare to you. It's a competition already won. And I'm the lower that will never know.

"No. I think I get it, a little. Don't push yourself to date Buck. Sometimes you just need to take care of yourself for a bit. Having someone else can- it could take more than you can give or are willing to give. I guess. Ya know?" Eddie asked, only half sure of what he'd just said himself.

"I take care of myself just fine." Buck bit his lip, at that with a laugh.

"Not like that. Yes like that too, but not just like that." Eddie said.

"I know. I'm just- I'm not ready for that- with someone else-"

'But I'd be willing to try with you'

"Well, when you're ready I hope that person's great. You deserve someone who's you like and who's good for you too." 'You're always good for everyone else'

Buck laughed.

"What's funny about that?" Eddie asked. 

"No. I'm sorry. I just- I was remembering this time when I got caught twice in the same day?" Buck smirked. 

"Got caught-? Oh." Eddie said.

"I was fresh in the academy and still Buck 1.0. The girl I was flirting with was teasing me after class for a while. I was this close to losing it?" Buck brought his fingers close together in demonstration.

"Go on." Eddie made a intrigued and amused face at him.

"So she blows me off, which I later learn is this thing she just does. Did it to some of the other guys too. I guess it's a power trip thing. And I go to like rub one out in the bathroom. Again not my proudest moment but- work in progress." Buck shrugged. 

"But you got caught." Eddie guessed. 

"Yep. Our instructor came in on me moaning almost there."

Eddie's eyes went wide. He remembered his own being a hard ass which ironically was better, since he was used to it.

"How the hell did you not get kicked out or something?" Eddie asked.

"I faked it as if I had food poisoning. I just said I couldn't puke and I'd try to when I got home. And left in my jeep."

"And they believed you?"

"You don't look a gift dalmatian in the mouth Eddie. I high tailed it out and didn't look back man,"

"But you said twice."

"I was finally home and my boner wasn't gone. So I had like ten minutes of the place being only mine before my roommates came back from classes."

"Mhm." The tale was both entertaining and a little hot only because it was Buck, so Eddie was thinking about him doing it.

"So I'm in my room. And my door can't lock half the time since the last roommate they had was an asshole and sorta broke it. And I'm just going for it, I mean, it's been nearly an hour since she'd started teasing me and then the failed bathroom attempt."

Buck looked at the TV for a second. Eddie grabbed the remote and turned it off.

"Finish your story Buck. You can't just end it half way." Eddie egged him on.

"See now you know what I felt like." Buck smirked.

"That's it?" Eddie asked.

"No." Buck took another swig. "So I'm fully enjoying myself. And it feels like if I don't finally get off I'm gonna die or something, I know exaggeration but, it felt like it at the moment. Only one of my roommates barges in. I'm falling. They're screaming. It wasn't pretty."

"You took that long?" Eddie asked. "You said ten minutes."

"Yeah, well, sir that. See, their class let out early. So they came home, grabbed the mail and were about to chuck it onto my bed but-"

"There you were." Eddie filled in. He let out a little laugh.

"There I was. And I picked myself off the floor and pushed a chair in front of my door like I should have in the first place once they left. And I got off like my life depended on it." Buck laughed himself.

"So it was a little like what happened with us. Only, a lot worse though."

"At least you got off without a bruise or getting caught in the act twice Eddie." Buck shrugged.

"I can't believe that happened to you." Eddie shook his head. 

"I wish I was lying. I would have been more mortified but it felt so damn good though. Then I looked it up and found out I'd had my first unintentional edging and that was a thing to learn about."

"Of course you goggle that. Clear your browser history." Eddie chose his eyes.

"I'm surprised you know what a browser history is." 

"Are you calling me old?" Eddie bumped shoulders with him.

"No. Just a little technologically inept." Buck nudged him back.

"Alright. That's fair." Eddie rolled his eyes.

"Come on. You tease me plenty with the others Eds." Buck grinned at him.

"Alright. But you could tell us, if it ever felt uncomfortable. I don't mean it like that and I'm pretty sure they don't either."

"No. I know. You're just kidding. To the self love solos club." Buck offered up his bottle neck to cheers.

"I guess. Whatever you say." Eddie bit his lip as he went with it.

This was infinitely what Eddie wanted. The chance for more was promising but when he was ready. 

"And that was the roommate I slept with ironically. Believe it or not," Buck said offhandedly as he found a new thing for them to watch.

That was when Eddie remembered Buck saying that all of his roommates were guys.

And wasn't that a revelation.

**Author's Note:**

> chapter two is optional and more self indulgent than the first part so you don't have to continue but if you do and like it please let me know since this is the first time that I'm doing this to a story of mine


End file.
